I'd been waiting for this moment. But I never could've foreseen it would come like this. Three of the clock. Lonely night. A girl on the side of the road. Any other time I would've smelled a rat... but not tonight. Tonight I was too drunk to care. So I stopped, offered her a ride. Without even a second thought, honestly. Just decided that I should be a knight in shining armor today.
It happened on the crossroads. Red light. I stopped – another thing I usually don't do at three at night. I just thought dangerous driving would frighten my passenger. God-Emperor, alcohol had definitely done a number on me.
I reacted. I did not even understand what was happening, but I reacted. My instincts were sharp as ever, despite the haze of spirits. But she was just a split second faster. An instant before my elbow hit her hands and made her drop her gun, I felt a bullet somewhere between my upper ribs.
The girl could not miss. She pressed a lady's pistol against my body before squeezing the trigger... pressed it to my body so hard I barely heard the shot. Just felt how the burned powder ate into my skin. Felt the bullet. It entered without pain, just a... sharp feeling. The pain did not make itself wait though and came several seconds later, after a flash of cold. Yet before the pain arrived I still had more than enough time to take a shot back at my killer. My revolver was in my left hand the same moment I hit her with my right, and my faithful sidearm was aimed right for her head before her little double-barreled gun fell on the seat of my machine. The girl pressed her back against the door and looked into my eyes with a wild, horrified gaze...
I never squeezed the trigger. Somehow, I understood immediately – and with a perfect, eerie clarity – that this was the end of me. I knew I wouldn't make it to the hospital. Not even magic would save me tonight. Can't say exactly why I felt it... I just knew. Just knew. So what good was spilling her blood then? For once I could refrain from a kill. I dropped my gun. It fell on the floor with a thud, and the sound made the girl flinch.
Slowly, she moved away from the door, sat straight and looked through the windshield. I exhaled, relaxed and let my back sink into the seat of my machine.
The girl burst into tears. Stoplight turned green. Instinctively, I reached for the hazard lights and turned them on, even though the road around us was completely empty. Engine calmly rumbled on in neutral gear. Hazard lights indicator clicked methodically. Dinah Shore quietly purred a pretty song. And my passenger who shot me – she sobbed and whimpered, her face hidden in her palms...
It was at that moment the pain suddenly became unbearable. I clenched my teeth and gasped. The girl, in turn, looked at me startled, as if she didn’t know I was there... didn't think I was still alive, perhaps.
– What's the story? – I decided to use her momentary glance as an opportunity to break the ice with some small talk.
She sobbed and hid her face into her palms again:
– You've killed... Leon... – the girl answered through her tears.
– When? – I asked, genuinely curious.
She took some time, letting out all the suffering that amassed in her. I decided not to interrupt. Revenge is never what you are hoping for, and she was learning that the hardest way possible.
– Eight years ago... – the girl finally replied. – Eight years, three months and fifteen days...
Eight years, three months. I concentrated for several seconds, though it was completely unnecessary. Those memories... I never bothered making it a point to remember, yet not a single detail has been forgotten.
Another world. Another sector. Another life.
– Septempia, right? Small town on Kelial III? – I asked.
– Yes... – the girl replied quietly, as she stopped crying and looked at me. It seemed as if she despised me for remembering it. And I? I couldn't help but chuckle – a gesture that brought me even more pain.
– Oh, it all went south... as far as it never has since that day, – I said, drawing in the air with a wheezing. I reached for the gunshot with my left hand, immediately feeling warm blood trickling down the fingers. I had several minutes left at best... – I've never met a cat as unpredictable as your husband. I stalked you for several months, trying to figure out the safe moment... And when I thought I’d found one, you came home early.
– It was our anniversary, – said the girl. Then she whimpered. And then broke down in tears again, pressing her hands against her eyes one more time.
– Holy Emperor... – I groaned. – How many years did you have?
– Three years! – cried the girl, and I felt as if I could touch her heartache.
I made an effort through the pain and moved closer to her on the bench seats. Drawing a deep breath in, I gently patted her back with my right hand, simultaneously trying to close the fatal wound with my left so as not to dribble my blood on her.
– It's OKay... It's OKay now... – I said, as reassuringly as I could, taking into consideration the fact that I was dying. – You made it...
– It won't bring him back! – she yelled in reply, voice full of despair. Her palms clenched into fists, and for a moment I was confident the girl would punch me. It did not happen. She exhaled, her hands fell, her shoulders slumped. The girl pressed her forehead against the side window, looking into the night of the city.
– It won't bring him back... – she repeated quietly, finally resigned to her fate. I pulled my hand away from her back.
– It won't... – I confirmed grimly. – It won't bring him back...
We spent several seconds in silence. I felt how the life slowly seeped out of my body. That bullet inside me... was not your average piece of lead. Magic was involved, most likely... Either way, it was something expensive, something to make sure that the shot counts. This girl really wanted me dead... and she did not miss her chance.
– It was your first time killing someone? – I asked, taking an educated guess.
She turned away from the window and her gaze danced carefully over my body. The sad and frightened realization in her eyes was visible enough in the dim golden light of the street lamps that crawled into the machine. And when I saw it, I already knew the answer.
– Yes, – she whispered, confirming my surmise.
– Good job, – I said appreciatively, nodding lightly. – Very good job for a first timer...
– Am I like you now? – asked she in a low voice, yet I nevertheless heard the note of horror in it. I could not help but let out a laugh, which ended quickly with a groan of pain.
– No, no, no, no... – I said hoarsely as I shook my head. – Nothing like me...
I paused. Head became a bit too heavy for a moment, and the world became blurry... It was not the end yet, but I needed a second to come back to what remained of my senses.
– Is this how serving in the guard goes for the most?.. – what had been just a note now completely suffused her voice with terror.
– Nothing like the guard either, – I answered honestly, barely finding the strength to reply. – You see, whiteshields in the guard... They kill because they do not really have a choice. Nobody wants to live as a deserter or get his head blown by a commissar... And people like me – we kill precisely because we've chosen to do so.
– I chose to kill you...
– I've been choosing to kill like I choose to drink a shot of gin sitting at the bar. You chose to kill like a drowning man who chooses to take a deep breath as he finally reaches the surface, – I explained, with a hint of anger in my voice. It did irritate me: some square girl who just scored her first and likely last kill thinking she's of the same dough as me, a killer with hundreds of souls on my meter.
I sighed and spoke again, calmly this time:
– For you it was not a matter of choice at all. That's what makes your kind rare. Very rare. You simply needed this kill. Absolutely mindlessly, instinctively. It was, like I said, the desperate breath of air... yes, the breath of air. You do not really choose to breathe or not to breathe... do not stop to think whether you want it or not...
I lost my breath for several seconds. The end was drawing near, and I had not got much time left. Small piece of enchanted lead in my body had been doing its job very efficiently... It was time to go.
– Say, do you know how to drive? – I asked, trying hard to hold back a groan.
– Yes.
– Take my machine. I won’t need it anymore.
– Want to get me killed when your friends will come to take it back?
– Only one will come... and he won't touch you if you'll give him a lollipop. You can take one from the glovebox.
She hesitated for a moment, obviously fighting her desire to ask the obvious question, but then just opened the glovebox and chose one of the many lollipops I had there.
– Good. Now, if you will help me walk to that bench, I would be very thankful, – I said as I pointed to the bench on the sidewalk, not far from the crossroads.
The girl opened the door and helped me into the cold autumn night. I wrapped my hand around her shoulder as we walked towards the bench, my breath becoming heavier with every step.
– You give him the lollipop... – I panted. – Tell him everything you've told me... Septempia, Leon, three year anniversary... eight years you've spent hunting me... Tell him everything...
She helped me to sit down. I exhaled through clenched teeth and then fought to draw some air inside.
– You've did it, girl... You've reached the surface... you've got your breath... Don't let this burden drag you down anymore... Live... live...
Not sure if I actually said these words or only thought about saying them. It well may be my soul left my body as soon as that touched the bench.
I thought I'd felt empty for the last eight years. Since the very day I saw the light fading in Leon's eyes. Since the moment my fingers touched that warm, crimson blood underneath his body. I've thought that revenge would fill me, would put at least something back into my life.
Instead it felt like the last part of me died alongside the man who killed my husband. Turns out, I hadn't been quite empty before...
After that night I truly felt it: nothing. I was completely bereft of all. I had no idea that a living being could even feel like this.
And yet back then I was still hoping something would change. I still believed that vengeance would give me something if I waited for a day or two.
So I was waiting. Feeling not even a slightest hint of desire to sleep, I just stared at Leon's photo and listened to his favorite band, track after track. Until eventually the monotonous flow of time was broken by the doorbell, which I heard even through the headphones.
Dirty white leather jacket, blue jeans, greased black hair – it was obvious to me that I could have only one kind of a visitor, and the attire of a man who stood at the doorstep confirmed my guess.
– Is the owner of the machine inside? – he asked, nodding lightly towards the car in my yard.
I pulled the small lollipop out of my pocket and offered it to him.
– He said you would listen to me if I give you this, – answered I.
The man took the candy and his face visibly tensed. It suddenly occurred to me that lollipop might actually be a signal that means I must be got rid of...
But before I could fully understand the theoretical consequences of such a signal, the man deftly unwrapped the lollipop and put it in his mouth.
– Alright, – he said. – I'm listening.
I've told him what happened and why, just as the one I killed wished me to do. The man who stood before me did not react even in the slightest. For several seconds the only answer to my words was the quiet rustle of the wrapping in his hand. And then he smacked his lips and asked:
– Did you put the song on repeat?
– What?..
– The song in your headphones, – the man pointed at the device hugging my neck. – It’s playing for the second or the third time already.
– Really?..
– Slowly recall all your mind, – he sang along quietly. – Why your soul's gone cold and all hope has run dry? Dead inside, never enough to forget that you're one of the lonely, slowly recall all your mind...
Suddenly I felt ashamed. Crossing my arms over chest, I looked off, somewhere to my left.
– Good song, – said the man. – One of my favorites.
– Leon liked it, – I answered coldly. Personally, I never understood his love for heavy music. It didn't suit Leon or his gentle personality at all. In fact, I was quite surprised to discover his music tastes all those years ago.
Since his death that kind of music has been around in my life rather often. I've never really listened to it – for me it’s just the pattern of sound that reminded me of Leon... of his smile, that lovely glint in his green eyes and his warm breath on my neck.
If I only had one recording of Leon's voice, I'd happily listen to it instead. But who could've thought about the need to record his voice?..
– I see, – the man gave a barely noticeable nod. – Keys to the machine?
– Inside it, on the seat.
– Alright, – said the man with another nod. And, after a short pause, added: – Good day.
He turned and left. Later that day someone else took the car.
Good day. My life hadn’t had any for a long time. There was only the chase, with an occasional mouthful of lho smoke and alcohol to ease the pain.
Now there wasn't even that. No chase, not even the pain, and I saw no more reasons for alcohol and lho. That's how empty I felt. And as several days died one after another, my hopes that revenge will bring me back to life in a day or two followed them into the grave. Instead I only realized, with complete clarity, how deep and all-encompassing the abyss inside me was.
After I gave up on drinking and smoking, I quickly lost my appetite as well. Have you ever thought just how little will one must have to completely overcome one of the most powerful instincts, hunger? Truly a marvel... one I wish you'll never experience. No amount of words can describe it, and I do not think any fantasy can imagine it, but... it is a good thing. Such despondency should not even be imagined.
Still, for some time thirst still got the best of me. But at some point I stopped drinking water as well. Did I think of taking my life? No... I really didn't. If it were a conscious thought, I'd have found a better, more reliable way of doing it. Instead it was some kind of a stupor. Thoughts left my mind altogether, any kind of thoughts. The last thing I remember of those days after my vengeance is sitting in the chair... having completely lost all track of time and the world around me.
I regained consciousness at the hospital. It turned out the lollipop man found me on the verge of death and brought me to the Hospitallers. He even left contact information, and furthermore, once he received the call about my condition improving, the lollipop man actually came to see me in person.
For quite some time he just sat in silence by my side.
– I, uh... – muttered the lollipop man eventually. – I'm sorry, I guess...
I didn't answer. I just wanted him to leave. But minutes passed and he still was there.
– Why did you even come, – I asked, without any real interest.
– I figured you had no one on this planet, so I gave the Hospitallers my number...
– No. Why did you come to my house.
– Ah, that... I wanted to give you Chocolate's money... That's the guy you killed, he went by the name...
– I know.
– Yes. So... I think Chock wanted me to give you his money. I think he wanted me to help you. I guess, that is why he wanted me to know who you are... He told me about what happened all those years ago enough times, you know. He worked for the local thieves' guild back then. He never meant to kill anyone that night, never wanted to be a killer. Yet because of what happened, he had no choice but to join our gang... Still, he felt all the guilt for what took place all those years ago. So I think he would've liked me to help you.
I didn't answer. I couldn't have cared less about Chocolate's story.
– Besides, I felt that, given how many lives I've taken, – continued the lollipop man after a long pause. – I might as well save one.
– You've saved no one. This is just a little delay. The moment I will be able to walk I will jump under a bus, – I replied. I really only said it because I wanted to hurt him, not because I wanted to end my own life that much.
– Then I will make it so you won’t want to jump under a bus, – he answered. – I've brought you your player. And some music you probably haven't heard before.
The lollipop man paused, plugging in the headphones.
– It's the second My Chemical Romance's album. There's a lot about the loss of the loved one in it, about revenge and struggle with grief... I think Leon would've liked it.
I felt a flash of anger. How dared this man to even think about Leon? I had absolutely no desire to hear whatever the lollipop eater brought.
I guess, that's how life came back to me: with anger. A spark of rage which appeared amongst the emptiness when somebody actually tried to care about me for the first time in so many years. And with music I did not want to hear, but I failed to find in myself enough strength to retort, so I let him put the headphones on my head.
Since that day, I guess, the music’s kind of grown on me... And I do think, Leon would've indeed liked it. I also hope, Leon does not think I've betrayed him... Because since that day in the hospital, me and the lollipop man – we... we've come together. He kept visiting me, caring for me, and slowly, over the months, I accepted him into my life. He managed to fill the abyss that was inside me, and I fell in love with him. It is definitely not the kind of pure first love I had for Leon. This love is much more experienced… a scarred, grievous, sombrous kind of love. And at the same moment, that kind of love is so tender, so careful to not get any more scars...
I hope Leon would not blame me for this.
– Do not worry. A man like Leon would understand I'm only here because he isn't.
I've nodded and smiled lightly. Lollipop stood beside me, looking at the photos of Leon and Chocolate. Since the moment we've met, Lollipop found a regular job and diminished his gang involvement to the bare minimum. He wanted to marry me, and so did everything he could to make sure our life would be safe...
– One day someone may come for me, just like you came for Chocolate, – said Lollipop. – Can you promise you will not go for revenge? Will not spend your life in another years-long hunt?
I gritted my teeth. Let the air in my lungs out.
– Someone might as well come for me one day... – I replied quietly, lowering my head. I felt his eyes upon me, without a doubt wanting an explanation for my words. – Those years I spent chasing Chocolate... I rarely had enough money for food. Or for another ticket when I had to follow him from one world to another. I had to do things I wish I hadn’t done. More than once I've slashed, scrapped and stabbed my way to something that was necessary for my chase to continue. I always tried to not to kill, but only to injure... or at least I think so. Now when I try to remember it... I think I never really cared. The only thing that mattered to me was that I could follow the man who killed Leon...
I clenched my fists.
– I told Chocolate he was my first kill. But now, when I look back through the haze of vengeance... I think, I might've killed someone before him, – I confessed. – One major artery I wasn’t aiming for, one blow a little too hard...
Closing my eyes for a second, I fought to hold back my tears. One wrong move no one wanted to make... just like the one Chocolate made years ago.
Back then he too was a man wishing for a breath, I guess.
I've sighed and then looked at Lollipop:
– Can you promise you will not seek revenge?
He blinked his eyes several times, slowly grasping the full meaning of my words. And then he scratched the back of his head:
– You know, back then, in the hospital, when you told me you would jump under a bus as soon as you can walk again... I made myself a promise that I would teach you how to lose someone. How to move on. I thought I had it in me, that I'm used to losing people whom I love, – Lollipop paused, looked at the photo of Chocolate and then finished his thoughts. – Now I think, maybe I was just a heartless bastard who never really cared about someone. Never truly loved...
Shaking his head lightly, he added:
– I cannot imagine what can stop me from going after those who’d hurt you.
There was a moment of silence between us, after which I carefully said:
– Well, actually... I can imagine that. We just need someone else in our lives who we’d love and care about. So if one of us is gone, we will still have someone else...
Lollipop looked at me, eyes wide with astonishment:
– Are you telling me about that whole group marriage thing the church wants us to do?
– What? No! – I recoiled. And then, with a chuckle, I pushed him in the shoulder. – I'm talking about children, you fool!
– Ah, children!.. – Lollipop ran his hand through his greased hair and let out a silent laugh. – Why, yes, children... You know... that might actually work. Yes, children sound like a good option.
We looked at the two photos again.
– Good option... – I nodded. – Shame I never had any with Leon. We were young...
– Nothing left of him in the Hospitallers’ gene-archives? You know I wouldn't mind...
– No, – I shook my head. – Unfortunately, it wasn’t his genes that made him special. From Hospitallers’ point of view, he was just an average guy. What Leon had… they do not store it in their archives.
A second later I added:
– But thank you.
– We should still make a request, I think, – muttered Lollipop. – Who knows.
I did not answer. Did not want to get my hopes up for something that seemed impossible. There were no reasons for the men of church to keep any information of Leon in their genetic storages.
– You know, if we do have kids, – Lollipop spoke up again, changing the topic. – one day we will have to explain them who these guys on our photos are. What will we say?
– We will say that these are our friends, – said I without a second thought. – And they gave their lives so we could be together.
Lollipop smiled, closed his eyes and nodded his head:
– That sounds really good. I bet Leon and Chocolate would've liked it.
